Somewhere this year, I broke. I didn’t realize it until there, oozing out of the various openings were my carefully compacted coping skills, beliefs and behaviors that had become useless but I was still forcing them to be operational. I hung on because I, honestly, didn’t want to experience the level of emptiness and work that would be required to sort through, discard, research, rebuild and refortify the foundation of me.

Again

I withdrew and some never noticed. If they noticed they never said anything. There is a tendency to assume that it’s best not to bother folks when they disappear.   As I withdrew further and further I desired less contact even forgetting how to reach out for brief moments.  I sought comfort in isolating, rejecting belonging.  I embraced the introvert until it became suffocating.  I broke, again and grew.

Being labeled a healer, therapist, counselor, empath, and good listener is heavy.  It requires a level of care that is underestimated even by the person blessed with the gift.  I underestimated the care I needed even when it stared me back in the mirror.

(just avoid the mirrors right? )

Breaking the Habit of you, again,  is not simply about breaking habits it’s about the willingness to break who you believe you are, who you’ve comfortably existed as because it doesn’t work to be that person anymore and attain the goals you desire. We go along until one day,  we stop.

I stopped. I stopped breathing and feeling. I fought breaking through the next level until life broke me. Life will step in and push you HARD. Fear of the next level of me, kept me suffocating and pretending to be okay.  Resistant.

We get tired in this cycle of growing, pruning, growing, death, rebirthing process.  I did.  I do. Cocoons tear open, boughs break and safety nets are repositioned.

If you have a support system/ person etc be grateful.  Many do not, yet they still grow, prune, die and are born again.

I’ll be back when it doesn’t feel so heavy.  When I’m able to accept and acknowledge the next version of me fully.

Have a great winter solstice!