I hate having to come up with titles for blog posts.I really do. Okay so what’s my issue now?
Nobody said this would be easy right? I’ve been struggling and stumbling with this blog actually. I thought I had this wonderful idea and I would jump right in and the words would FLOWWWWWW. The first posts was like the first hill on a huge rollercoaster. you know how you are in total anticipation as it slowly climbs higher and higher but you’ve made up your mind that you got this. You make it to the top and look down and all you can think is OHHHHHH SHITTTTTTT i want off. wait I change my mind. DAMN damn damn.
that’s how I felt. I created this space and there was no turning back. it’s like that on a journey. A new path of it anyway. You map it out and think it’s all gravy and then when you start walking and you get far enough into it..you look back and damn, can’t go back. Even if you do it’s never going to be the same. Confession: I beat myself up after the second posts and there are about 3 others that I never even made public because I beat up on myself sooo hard for even stepping out and doing this whole thing. Writing used to come so easily to me and yet now it’s laborious. Have you ever felt you were good at something and then life happened and you seemed to have lost your confidence?
My brain wanders. Is this shit even interesting? Is it too personal? I’ve gotten external input to make it not about my life. “nobody wants to read that shit really” WOW is all I could say as I sank into my chair. (like that guy in Get Out) I sank and sank. Another external voice was like “keep going, do it, it won’t always be easy but that’s what this is about correct? the real excerpts from a journey of change.” So here I am.
Writing about it. Second guessing myself and the decision to do this. Doubting my abilities. Comparing my blog to others I see and read. All that going on, and still pushing through it.
I apologize for being human. That’s about all I can do. I’m a work in progress breaking habits as I go.
Sometimes you hit a wall. Things were all going well and you felt you had purpose and then you look up and you’ve smashed those milestones and the path ahead is…rough and unclear and you never realized how far into you’ve gone until what used to work simply…doesn’t anymore.
so you can either sit and sulk (which is okay and necessary sometimes) if people tell you that you always need to think positive and be happy tell them to go kick rocks. Life doesn’t operate that way. We, like the large bodies of water, ebb and flow. The way we ride through life is what matters. That’s the thing about new territory, you dig into your old bag of solutions and not many, if any of them work anymore. It’s a scary and vulnerable space to exist. It can also be like a rush of adrenaline. The freedom to recreate yourself. You have a great reference, especially if you are close to or over 40 years old. The gift of comparing who you were to who you want to become is refreshing once you let go of the fear.
How do you handle disappointment? instances of low confidence and self doubt when attempting something new? Are you really read to be vulnerable?
Breaking the Habit of You 
How about I’ve been trying to comment on your post about Honor or Horror and I can’t get the words in my head out? LOL But these words are flowing probably because I’m not trying to say what’s in my head ‘right’ (and I’m not making a lot of typos that Grammarly highlights as I type). Man, this is YOUR blog. Write whatever the *explicit* you want! I enjoy reading about your experience because A) I get to learn more about you; B) the “you too?!” experience and C) you write in stream of conscious like myself…is there a “d” and why did I start using letters?
How do I handle disappointment? I beat myself up BADLY! I have conversations with myself, call myself stupid if I think I could have avoided the disappointment. Sometimes I acknowledge the disappoint just was not for me. I cry. I become OCD in thought and in trying to ‘fix’ the disappointment. I play games on my phone. You know, I do human s**t LOL Then I get distracted by something and forget the experience.
Instances of low confidence and self-doubt when attempting something new…last weekend I stepped out of my ‘comfort zone’ (question, why are people uncomfortable with being comfortable?) and attended lunch with about 16 ladies that belong to a group I’m in on Facebook. I knew none of these ladies. When I stepped into the restaurant and saw the contact, one of the first things that came out of my mouth was “I’m so nervous!”. I gave everybody hugs because shaking hands just didn’t seem right (I don’t even like to hug). Once seated, I suddenly wanted to disappear. I lost my voice. I lost my hearing (anybody else lose their hearing when their confidence is low? All my responses were “huh?”). I then just waited for the experience to be over with. I stayed as present as I could. When I got to my car I had anxiety but acknowledged that I did it. And maybe I will do it again. And I need therapy.
Are you really ready to be vulnerable….chile, I stay vulnerable lol Vulnerability is my strength and weakness; strength because I am being Me and expressing how I feel in the moment. It is also a weakness because I do it…all. the. time. Being vulnerable sometimes makes people feel uncomfortable and at other times it inspires.I have no plans in changing this part of me so….
Was I suppose to write a comment this long? I really hope those questions were for your readers cuz I answered them lol
P.S. Curses to whoever invented ‘LOL’
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I so love you Cristal in all your words and experiences and YES thank you for responding with all your thoughts and insight. mostly I want to say I appreciate you for sharing. Often we get into situations we don’t share and believe we are the only ones out there feeling this. NOT.
And yes I’ve been in situations and couldn’t hear shit anybody was saying and sat there smiling all the while thinking “why did I come to this?” but like you said…”we did it.” and yes we will do it many more times.
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