I have been struggling to figure out what to write. So I haven’t. I live a pretty full, somewhat adventurous life (at least in my mind) however, I spend a good majority of it isolated. Wait, not accurate.

I mean I’m around people all day. I’m a therapist (not fully licensed YET) however I am listening and talking with men and women Monday through Friday from 8am until after 5pm some days. Where I’m employed, I also do case management and way too much other shit that doesn’t have a damn thing to do with therapy, YET it pays the bills. We do what we must until we can do what we want. Right? I get to be in the presence of almost everything in the DSMV. It’s exhausting and my self care has been lacking severely.

So what happens when “must” begins to smother “want.”?

Also lacking is my creativity. I fight daily to figure out how to resuscitate the child like curiosity and imagination in order to create/write. Some days I can eek out a few sentences most days, i’m staring at a blank page or the keyboard of the laptop. Nothing. I used to be able to feel the sun, find moments of awe in nature and people, then write about it. I could connect words with what I was experiencing with an ease and skill that was satisfying. I still notice things and people, yet they don’t quite touch me the same. I pause, notice and where I once reached for my journal or something to capture the words floating through my head of the moment, i now simply pause. it’s not empty. I can’t seem to connect anymore. I feel like I’ve lost the ability. it sucks.

I swear my job is draining my creativity.

I have a few writing projects that have been sitting for years, okay decades that I’d either been too bashful, lacked confidence or perceived ability to bring to a finished publishable product. They sit on my laptop and in a binder on the corner of my desk constantly reminding me they aren’t finished. I decided they are no longer relevant to share as I once believed. Perhaps, I don’t have the skills to breathe life into them.

I’ve witnessed others who never thought of writing, produce books and other media and look at me like “where’s yours?”

I respond with a shoulder shrug of defeat.

it’s a scary thing to feel. An introvert who provides a therapeutic experience for others all day to find answers and be empowered yet ends her own days silent, often too exhausted to even think creatively. Someone who no longer says ” i’m a writer!”

However, in the spirit of breaking the habit of , I decided to use my phone to capture fotos of those moments I mentioned earlier. These fotos I send off to print and I hope to use them to reconnect to my words.

There’s a song that I’ve been humming lately when I feel like i’ve lost the ability to write in a way that connects to spaces in my spirit.

How can you lose your song?
When you have sung it for so long?
How can you forget your dance, your dance
When THAT dance is all you ever had?It must be, it must be true
You can't SEPARATE THE TWO
Oh no, you can't
It's impossible to do
JUST like the salt in the stew
Oh my, it's all A part of you
One thing that life cannot do
Life can't do it NO
It can't take your salt from youSo when life brings a chance, a chance
For you to give your part, TO give your part away
Don't just stand there FEELING scared
Don't be afraid
'Cause there could be a treasure right thereNow listen, listen to THE truth
It does not matter, doesn't matter what you do
Still gonna BE you
Just like the salt in the stew
Yeah, it's all A part of you
And one thing, the one thing that life cannot do
Hey, hey, hey, can't do it NO
It can't take your salt from youLife can't take it, you DON'T give it
Life can't take it
It can't take your salt from you

I know you didn't think I was going to give up?  I can't. writing is part of who I am. It may change and that's okay.  
We break and mend. We evolve.  

* " Salt," by Lizz Wright