It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve posted. Because this year’s theme for me has been about vulnerability, here I go…
My intention with this blog was to write a post every week. Initially I had a plan for how to go about determining topics and drafting posts. I was advised this was the best method so I would always have a draft of something instead of pulling words outta my ass at the last minute. Somewhere I lost my way. I began to doubt myself. I began to give into the negative self talk of feeling irrelevant and rambling. I began forcing words that didn’t make sense even to me. So I stopped.
I stopped doing a lot of other things as well. I stopped working out, blaming it on my workout partner who was always making excuses for not wanting to get up to hit the gym at 5am. yes I prefer to get it in early and be done. I was riding my bike regularly then I stopped that. I would wake up and visualize having to carry it down two flights of stairs, riding then carrying it back up the stairs. Nah I’ll pass. I stopped eating healthy. I was eating lots of french fries, plain Lays potato chips and red meat. I allowed my morning rituals to be disrupted by phone calls and text messages. I stopped meditating. I even stopped reading books. GASP! It wasn’t until my “fat” clothes began to fit tighter that I realized how really unhealthy I’d become. But why?
*shoulder shrug IONO
Once I knew I had slipped onto a path I didn’t want to be on so I searched for something to SHOCK me into change. I began to think about cutting my hair. This is something I promised I wouldn’t do until my birthday. However I felt as though I needed something to yank me outta this funk I’d slipped into. ( I hated the cut) I was previously on social media all day every day. Watching what others were sharing about their lives. I was comparing it to my own. I wasn’t satisfied with what I’d been doing. But Why? I know better than to compare.
IONO. (I have since decided to take a Station identification break from social media)
I began to go out a little more, socialize..be IN the world. I grew tired of the same scenes, faces etc. Still I would go because what if I’m missing out on something. FOMO…
I don’t know about you but I also gave into a relationship that I knew would hurt me eventually (it did) but I felt like I needed… something to shock me back to life. Meanwhile my projects were collecting dust. when I passed by my office, I would simply close the door to the room and keep on going in another direction.
AVOIDANCE
Often, when we set out to do something so big that it requires all of our attention initially it’s great. It’s new and exciting but then, at least for me. However, if I don’t map it all out, it begins to sag. The sagging feels heavy and I don’t want to carry it. So I stop.
When we embark on something new we generally prepare by gathering the necessary tools to be effective and successful. Tools such as researching how others have done it, pros and cons, best practices, you get me right? We look for answers and the BEST way to get it done. As we see great results, we add on more new things (nothing better than saying “I’ve been so busy doing (insert the long list here) to be impressive) until we are spreading ourselves really thin and not being effective AT ALL.
You ever notice how when you get into that kinda slump you attract relationships and people who are experiencing the same thing? I won’t say it’s all bad because it’s cool to know you aren’t the only one however IF they aren’t doing shit to get out of that dissatisfying mode of operandi…
RUNNNNNNNN…… Okay don’t run but begin to subtly create some significant DISTANCE.
“We attract what we are not what we want.” (from as a Man Thinketh) so I attracted folks who were not DOing anything or not doing what they really wanted to do AND making EXCUSES to continue not DOing.
So what pulled me out of that rut? Pulling back. Sometimes the best thing to do IS stop. Of course the idea is not to stop forever; however, during that stopping period (for most, especially me) I realize that I ceased being effective and I hungered to get back to it and I couldn’t figure out how. We may need to spend time reassessing what the hell are we doing? Is THIS really something I feel great passion doing? Thing is that we get yourself into situations and we also can get ourselves out, when we ask the hard questions AND respond with authenticity, vulnerability and feeling.
You can ask others all you want but YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE ANSWERS TO YOUR ISSUES.
The inability to respond with something of value when people asked what I’d been up to, stunned me at my core. I didn’t like the way that felt at all. Have you ever been so deep in your own shit and you KNOW that you have some amazing talents and you just aren’t doing anything with them because you slipped and fell on your own shit? I will hide, what about you?
Well that’s where I was. WAS because I realized that I needed to dial things back a bit and select one or two things to work on. PERIOD. This and the fact that December is the final month of the year which also happens to be my birthday month and I’m turning 50 and well I can give you a bunch of reasons.
So all that to say I’m back. Although this is a Sunday posting. I intend to resume my weekly postings.
We ARE still working on breaking who we’ve been in order to become the next version us. Right?
It’s a process…
that we must learn to TRUST even when it doesn’t feel good.
Breaking the Habit of You 