Lately, I’ve been struggling to write. I have been unable to find anything interesting to dialogue about regarding breaking habits. Shit breaking anything. I feel like others are moving forward and I am…not.

Last post was a sign.  That standing still. I’ wasn’t sure if I was going up or down but I”m sure I was moving.

so maybe that’s it. there are times when you will be moving through things, breaking and busting up through ideas, activities, routines and BAM. you hit a wall. Nothing feels like it’s moving. It’s like running an obstacle course and you are going along at a good pace and then there’s this wall and you had good momentum to get over it and yet you are standing there looking up at it from the bottom.  not moving. Folks are running around it, climbing up it and some even doing a spider man like leap over it and you are just; standing there. looking.

At first it’s not an issue. hell everyone needs a pause, a breather, a break then you get your second wind or some kinda wind and you finish. However what about when you look around and now it’s dark. The day is over, everyone is gone home and you are still standing looking at this same damn wall. It’s not moving and neither have you. you watched numerous ways to get around it but your feet are in the exact same place as they were before. okay maybe your feet have shifted a little bit. But let’s be honest, you haven’t moved at all. Why?

good question.  So you dig in and analyze what’s going on. did you miss something. did you forget something? not eat enough or ate too much? And when you are done analyzing the situation and come up empty you stand there. Too stubborn, determined and proud to give up but not sure how to proceed. How long do you stand there?  Friends, family even strangers will offer solicited and unsolicited advice and commentary or why you haven’t moved or even how you can move. Thing is the final decision was and is always yours. You can take their advice or you can wait until the answer comes and oh be ready for it.

Today my answer came. It left me in a pile of tears. I’m still crying. Not sure how to proceed but I know eventually I will.  It’s a given. I won’t turn around, nor will I quit but I won’t suck up these tears either.  This is part of the process of me breaking.  Words of affirmation and encouragement are heard and seem to either bounce off or get absorbed into the tears. There’s a numbness to my position, standing at my own wall in this obstacle course. I don’t like what was revealed to me on this day however I have no recourse but to face it and work with it until a solution is reached.  it hurts and it sucks but it’s going to be part of my story and so I embrace it like you should when truths are revealed.

Whatever you need to do or not do to get over the walls in your process, do it, wait for it, stand in it. Just don’t give up.