May is Mental Health Awareness month.

In the spirit of breaking habits…disclosure

I am not officially diagnosed however I do suffer with most of the symptoms associated with Depression. I call mine, functional.  For the most part I’m able to do what I need to do however there have been times in my life when it’s not been so easy.  Most don’t know because it’s been a rarity that someone has ever really gotten that close to me. (and they tend to leave once they do)  Hence, I learned at an early age to select friends and acquaintances who are much too busy with their own lives, emotionally unavailable or limited, to be aware of me on that level.  Clever.

“Who will I be today, which character will i play. Cause I’m a chameleon my camouflage is the bomb. sometimes I don’t know who I am.”

As with most families of color and their secrets, I didn’t learn until a few years ago that depression runs in my family, therefore I’m what you’d call, predisposed to have it.  I have been lucky. I lessened the severity of it by moving away and choosing a different path than others in my family.  Hell, I even got degrees in psychology and want to pursue working in mental health wellness as a career. However, I have not escaped it affecting me personally.

I consider myself a private person which is interesting since I created a blog and shared it.  I don’t disclose a lot here however, it’s still a vulnerable activity for me.  I openly subject myself to judgment, criticism and comparison, even rejection.  Yet I push on, with encouragement.  I can’t really tell you what drives me to keep going, but I always feel that dark, heavy feeling lurking.

” Seen a lot of pain in my day, got it all locked away inside. Only thing that displays, is the smile on my face, which is just another disguise.”

Breaking habits has been a decisively involved activity in my life.  I decided long ago to break generational habits and patterns, yet I wasn’t quite prepared for the consequences. And since I have no blood relatives here, I’ve traversed through those consequences alone, with a few strangers but mostly through my journal and books.

When the blues flare up, I usually keep to myself. I may share a little but I keep the really dark parts to myself. I figure nobody wants to hear, feel or see that.  Actually I’ve been told that by a few people.

• Suck it up you aren’t the only one that has bad times. 
• Don’t post sad stuff, nobody wants to see that
• You have to find a way to pick yourself up
• or my favorite…let me know if you need anything (but they never respond to your communication attempts or they are always too busy) 

It’s a lot to be around a person with mental challenges.  People think i’m this recluse or don’t feel like being bothered. *sometimes that true. However often it’s my natural introvert nature (makes it challenging to reach out); coupled with being on this journey to figure out who I am on this course I’ve chosen, which is so very different from anyone in my family.  Top all of that with being a single child.  I’m just more likely to withdraw. and disappear.

“I’ve lost all feeling in the fingertips of my heart trying to reach out  but don’t know where to start  How will I know when I touch that one if I’m still numb?”

I often want to tell people you can’t catch it like a cold or something.  Yet it’s human nature to want to fix and heal others who are in some form of discomfort.  Sometimes you have to learn to want sit with it…with them.

There’s a line from a poem called “The invitation” by Oriah, that I love.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

Most women have at one time or another dealt with some level of mental illness.  Often we don’t realize it and when we do…We take a drink, pop a pill, pick up a weight, run a mile (or a few), ride some miles, do some asanas, brunch with the girls, put in extra hours at work, escape on a trip, shop,  fuck some guy or girl  etc, until…we can’t feel it so strongly. We do what we need to survive, until it passes and we can get back to living.

This month and every month, take some time to love on yourself or someone else.  Let them know that you SEE them.  That may be all they need (or you need) to get up and get back to living.

The lyrics in italics are from the song “Chameleon”  in THE DOOR – Miu Miu Women’s Tales #5 by Ana Duvernay, starring Gabrielle Union gives some great examples of women loving on each other to mental wellness.