I’ve been told by a number of people that they admire my ability to be vulnerable.  I’ve learned to say thank you and smile.  Inside I want to say, and sometimes I have, it’s not as graceful as it appears.  It’s not quite like getting a bikini wax but close. RIPPPPPPPPPPP

I started with being vulnerable alone. Learning to be vulnerable with myself was and is a huge obstacle.  Facing myself in the mirror and really looking at myself physically. My body has changed a WHOLE lot over the years. Changes that I’m not okay with. Specifically, I’ve battled (and still do) with the weight I’ve gained.  In the meantime, I’ve had to learn how to dress this me fat I allowed to grow on me.

I’ve been told that I needed to LOVE this body. But I can’t. Shit I won’t if I’m honest. I know how it got this way. Neglect, depression, aftermath of a heartbreak, random incidents, not things I want to accept and be okay with.  I’m not aspiring to be high school slim. I’ve been over that so you won’t catch me trying to dress like my 25 year old daughter. NOPE. but I can’t love this body after I KNOW what I’ve done to it. I did this. I had to admit that I DID this. Forgiving myself and working to heal that. it’s an ongoing saga. I still don’t like it. But we working on it.

Then there’s Social media. exposure!!!  It seemed that I posted every move on my IG account. Sharing where I was, what I was doing, how I felt.  I looked up one day and I had over 5k posts.  I scrolled through and asked, “what the hell are you doing?”  I had to admit I was feeding an emptiness. I didn’t feel as though I had any real friends. I didn’t have girlfriends that I took trips with or regularly do happy hour, brunches, movie nights etc (probably bc I was in school and lacking financially but who knows). It was always, always just me in those fotos. So I deleted the account and started over.  I dealt with my loneliness off the internet. I began to get out more and meet people in real time, some I connected with and some just didn’t care to be around me. Still no “besties” but I wasn’t on social media begging someone to see me.  Vulnerability, did you catch that? yeah it hurts when I feel like a leper. I don’t share roots with anyone here so I get left out or invited to select outings.  I used to feel like i had to prove I was worthy to be around folks. They’d still forget about me.  I would go deeper into my introvert tendencies and poke at the tender parts of my self worth. a work in progress however much improved.

My vulnerability doesn’t always look the same.  Some days it’s silent observation, other days it’s intimately exposing myself with someone trusting to connect without rejection or judgement. I work to mirror the behavior I desire in another. It’s a risk every single time I open up to myself  (yes I will reject me and I have) or someone else but I choose to assess how the experience felt and what did I learn about myself from it.

Often, I feel people pull away from me.  Sometimes I feel like folks think I’m this cloud of doom and gloom. nah.  But who the hell wants to walk around with a mask that everything is perfect and in alignment. I share excerpts from my life both past and present to… connect. Shit my life is NOT aligned but it’s also not in a constant state of drama or dismay. I want to be real with people and I choose to be vulnerable in order to attract those people who desire to be authentic and genuine.

I’m becoming more and more comfortable with my vulnerability.  If that makes someone uncomfortable then perhaps they need to stop and ask themselves why instead of judging. I simply want to say “here is me, wanna be my friend or nah?”  I could go on and on about this topic, dealing with rejection, ridicule, being made fun of or criticized.  But you get the jist of things.

Wounds heal when initially dressed with medicine etc and once the scab emerges it’s good to get it out in the air to heal.  So that’s what I do. I also share blessings and good news. Balance.

My vulnerability shows. ON purpose.